Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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