Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
