i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
