it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My vagina is officially offended.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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