Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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