Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
