why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
