Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
