My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
