The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
