we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
