i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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