my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
