I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
