If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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