His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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