i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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