Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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