woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
