nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
