Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
