i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
