everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
