Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
