I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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