no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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