Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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