my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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