From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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