You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
