Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Holy shit dude........stairs
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
