Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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