I'm so fucking centered right now
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
