While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
