he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
