Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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