He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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