My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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