I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize