I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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