Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
