I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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