me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
