I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
