nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
