This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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