Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
