She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Randomize
