shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Text me some of your sweat
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
