I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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