if i can run in heels then i can drive
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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