please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
