Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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