My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize