am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
