I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
