I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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