last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
