i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
