i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
