you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
