He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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