Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
